


Hidden Feelings

by henghost



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 16:15:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18553306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henghost/pseuds/henghost
Summary: Old friends Im Nayeon and Kim Jisoo meet up for the first time in years, and Nayeon has something to say.





	Hidden Feelings

“I’m really glad we were able to do this, Jisoo,” Nayeon said between sips of Chai tea.

“Yeah, me too. I feel like-- I don’t know if you’re the same way-- but I feel like I have a lack of friends my age, you know. I mean, the other members are incredible, I’d trust them with my life. But sometimes I feel like they’re more family than friends.”

“What, you wouldn’t call me sister?”

“No, no of course I would. But you know what I mean. We’re more, I don’t know, disconnected. I feel like I can be vulnerable with you, if that makes any sense.”

“Yeah, I know what you’re saying.” She took another sip of tea. “But I want to hear about you, Jisoo. How have you been? How long’s it been since we saw each other face to face?”

“Too long. I’ve been-- well, it’s been a grind. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that.”

Nayeon laughed. “No, you definitely don’t. But I mean how are _you._ We don’t have to talk about work, God knows we do that too much already. Are you dating anyone?”

“Nayeon! Of course not.”

“No, but I mean are you _seeing_ anyone. You can tell me. No one knows we’re here.”

“Were you always like this? I can’t remember if you’ve always been like this.”

“Like what? You’re the one who’s always been shy to a fault.”

“I’m remembering why we haven’t spoken in a while.”

“I’m just messing with you, Jisoo. You were always so easy to mess with.”

“No. I’m not _seeing_ anyone. Are you?”

“God no.”

The two looked around at the cafe, half-paranoid that they’d catch an eavesdropper.

“Hey, you remember that one time when we were both trainees and we had basically this same conversation?” Nayeon asked. “You said you were lonely, and I said I was lonely and we...”

“I do. You don’t have to bring it up. Especially not in public like this.”

Nayeon laughed again. There was a kind of edge to it, Jisoo thought.

“It’s too easy, Jisoo. You know I love you. Do you want to go somewhere else? Too many people here for my liking.”

They went to Jisoo’s dorm after many assurances on behalf of Jisoo that no one would be there-- Nayeon was adamant that she wanted to be left alone-- and they walked along the smoggy streets, trying not to attract attention.

“Wow, this is much nicer than ours,” Nayeon said when they arrived at Jisoo’s room.

“Well, there are fewer of us.”

“I guess so. Anyway, I think I haven’t been entirely honest with you. I think I kind of let on that I just wanted to catch up, but that’s not the whole truth. It’s just my personality, I guess. I’m good at hiding things.”

“What are you saying?”

“I… Listen, I have something to tell you, and you have to promise this doesn’t leave this room.”

“I promise.”

“I started seeing a therapist,” Nayeon stammered, and something like panic shot through Jisoo’s heart, cold and irrational. “My own money. I don’t think the company would be very understanding with things like that. You’re the only one who knows at the moment. I don’t trust anyone else to not let something slip. That would be a disaster.”

“Hold on, Nayeon, slow down. What are you telling me? That you’re, like, going crazy or something. You seemed so happy earlier.”

“Just… Just listen for a minute. I’m not going crazy, or not like you’re thinking at least. I think the stress was getting to me. The nonstop of it all. It’s not important how it started. But I realized at some point that I was unhappy. That’s an understatement. I don’t mean sad or even depressed, really. I mean it was unbearable. Just to be in my head was unbearable. I remember when this realization hit me full force and out of the blue, as in I’d never noticed it before, I was in a hotel room somewhere in Japan I think, and the weight of this, like, epiphany really physically hit me. Like, I’m sure it must have been simmering inside me for a while, but I only found out in that hotel room. That I could not go on like this. That any second longer stuck in my worm-infested brain would be a torture I couldn’t bear. I’m not explaining this very well. Sorry. But I remember, Jisoo, that this Japanese hotel room overlooked Tokyo-- I think it was Tokyo, or maybe it was Osaka-- I mean the entire wall was made out of glass and you could see the neon lights and huge skyscrapers, and I remember only being able to think about ways I could break the glass and fling myself out. It was the thirtieth floor or something. Throw myself out of the building like a movie. And that scared me, Jisoo. Really fucking scared me. I know I’m not making sense. But so I crept out of the hotel and went to a convenience store and used my awful Japanese to buy this enormous thing of liquor, I forget what kind, and I basically drank myself to sleep. Which obviously I’d never done before. I’d barely had any alcohol at all before that. That’s how scared I was. And I…” Her voice caught and Jisoo could see that her eyes were wet, but she wasn’t weeping. In fact, she hardly showed any emotion at all. _Sever_ _e_ was the best word she could think of.

“Oh, Nayeon,” Jisoo started to say, but it was too much to parse. Something cold and caustic had nested in her chest, impossible to define. “I don’t know what to say. You’re telling me you just became suicidal all of a sudden?” Which, after she said it, felt like the wrong thing to say.

“Well, looking back on things, I don’t think it was really as sudden as it felt. There were things that probably I should have been paying attention to. My therapist says I’m ‘high-functioning,’ which I think just means that I could hide it well, hide it from myself, even.”

“It’s just you were so happy earlier. I couldn’t tell at all. I’m not saying I don’t believe you, it’s just so, like, big. I mean, how is it possible to hide something like that.”

“How do you think I felt?” Nayeon laughed. “You’re right, though. I’m very good at it, or at least I’ve had a lot of practice. You have to smile on stage and when you’re dancing, and I’ve been practicing that for over half my life.”

“Let me get something,” Jisoo said. She walked out of the room and to the fridge which she knew contained Jennie’s secret stash of alcohol and other technically illicit items and took out two cans of her _Hite_ beer. It was difficult for her to understand the thoughts swimming unbidden in her mind: fear, sadness, concern, guilt. And anger, despite her best intentions, at Nayeon. How could she be so irresponsible? Why did she have to burden her with all this?

“You’ve always known me so well, Jisoo,” Nayeon said when she returned and handed her one of the perspiring aluminum cans.

“Why did you choose me to tell all this to?”

“Um, well, that’s also kind of difficult to explain. My therapist told mesomething that might help would be to, like, apologize to people I’ve wronged in the past. Just to alleviate some of the self-loathing I guess.”

“You haven’t wronged me.”

“I was trying to bring it up earlier. What happened when we were trainees. You do remember, don’t you?”

“Of course, but that wasn’t bad. Or at least it was something bad you did to me. It was mutual, if I remember right.”

“I’ve always felt bad about it. I pressured you into it. I took advantage of you.” Nayeon took a long sip of the beer.”

“No you didn’t.”

“It was… You looked up to me, that’s definitely true even if you don’t remember it. I was always the confident one. And I _used_ you to, like, satisfy my libidinous urges.”

“Nayeon, I...”

“You don’t have to respond. I mean, that’s another thing. I’ve never told anyone else about that, obviously. I’ve never told anyone else I’m gay. Not any of the other members, not even my therapist. She seems like a conservative type.”

Jisoo drank from her can-- she had a low tolerance and could already feel a warmth in her body and a haziness in her brain.

“Nayeon, I just want you to know I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, Jisoo,” she said, giving a halfhearted smile.

Jisoo thought back to the event Nayeon was talking about. They’d been so young and inexperienced. Not that they were any more experienced now. But Jisoo, despite being embarrassed afterward, had always thought it was kind of beautiful what they’d done. She found herself remembering it when she couldn’t fall asleep, feeling an unwanted heat. The truth was, if she was being honest with herself, that she’d always wanted it to happen again. To be “manipulated,” in that same way. By Nayeon. Jisoo took another sip of beer, and felt a definite buzz and an accompanying dumb confidence. The cocktail of emotions she’d felt earlier melted away as she looked at Nayeon’s dark brown eyes. She just wanted Nayeon to be happy. To comfort her and make her feel good, the way they’d done for each other back then.

Jisoo walked over to where Nayeon was sitting on her bed and tilted her head and leaned down and kissed her bright red lips which tasted like a strange mix between alcohol and cherries but were more intoxicating and delicious than either. Nayeon pushed her away.

“What the fuck, Jisoo?” Nayeon yelled.

“I--”

“I tell you I’ve been feeling suicidal and you try and kiss me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I--”

“ _You’re_ the fucking psycho. That’s not what friends do. That’s not comfort or ‘being there for me.’ I thought I could trust you. I should have done it before.” And she stormed off, and Jisoo, now stone-sober, stood paralyzed in the center of her bedroom which was now more like a pit than a place to sleep.

 


End file.
